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The Map

The Crapitols Map

Here's the latest addition to my apartment decor. I've always found visual aides helpful, and I've had an affinity for maps my whole life. My dear big sister KT gets the credit here for this piece of the puzzle. However, I must come clean. She got me a lovely map of the US Capitals on etsy for Christmas, but it was sadly damaged during shipping. There was a huge crease stretching the length if Interstate 80 that just wasn't ever going to come out (no, you can't just iron it). Sorry KT. I found this replacement on Amazon and I found the cork board on my all-time favorite website, craigslist. I've been a craigslist junkie for 13 years now, and I estimate I've conducted somewhere around 200 craigslist transactions over the years. I've spent untold thousands of dollars and wasted who knows how much time driving around the Denver metro area, or even well beyond, buying stuff I probably don't need, much of which I no longer have. Sometimes I buy or sell something to someone only for the two of us to realize we did some other deal like 5 years ago. But I digress.


The real story here is what else I found on Amazon. Look closely at the map and you might ask, "Are those... are those poop emoji push pins?"

Yes, friends. Yes they are.

Fucking 48-pack

I'm gonna chalk this one up as a win for we Millennials. Say what you want about my generation (I'm one of the oldest Millennials, who remember life before cell phones and the internet), but we sure know how to market novelty online. And the nostalgia-industrial complex we've built is unrivaled by our elders. Do I want to watch all 39 episodes of my favorite childhood TV show, The Mysterious Cities of Gold? How about SIMULTANEOUSLY? Yes. I. Do. Another digression. Apologies.


Some enterprising 29-year-old said, "Why, of course someone would want to buy poop emoji push pins. Maybe they're on some sort of mission to poop all over the country or something." For those interested in additional fecal-themed novelties, a simple Amazon search for 'poop emoji' yields 20 pages of results.


But...


A 48 PACK?!?!?! ARE YOU SHITTING ME?!?!?!?!


Come on! 48 pack? FORTY-EIGHT. What is this, 1958? I've got to buy two? You're killing me. This is the classic 8-pack-of-hot-dogs-6-pack-of-buns paradox multiplied by 25! Ugggggghhhhhhh. I guess maybe I'll start marking other notable dumps on the map once I've completed the 50 states. Or if anyone needs 46 poop emoji pins, I'll sell them to you. Maybe I'll offer an online store with some merchandise later and sell them to my loyal readers.


Anyway, it's important to visualize your goals in life. Now everyone who comes into my apartment will know about this project of mine.


Next week's update will be about my trip to the most populous US state capital.


Stay tuned.

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