Florida, man.
- Joe
- Aug 4
- 7 min read
Myyyyyyy goodness it's been a while, friendos. I have fallen woefully behind on posting updates about the Crapitols quest, so you have my deepest apologies. I've had a very busy year so far, and only now in August have I finally carved out some time to get back on track. I knowI left you all hanging in my last post, teasing Crapitol number 29....... annnnnnnnd it's Tallahassee, Florida!
After a lifetime of celebrating my birthday in frigid February, I've decided it's time to start celebrating my annual trip around the sun in a more tropical fashion. I started poking around for possible warm destinations with cheap flights. Now, Tallahassee is not very easy to get to from Denver without an expensive connecting flight and a lengthy layover. But I had another good reason to go there: my friend Daniel and the North Florida Facial Hair Society were hosting a beard and moustache competition at the Tallahassee Highland Games that same week. The plan: fly to Pensacola, drive to Tallahassee, hit the capitol, hit the Highland Games, then head for the beaches in Destin and Pensacola.
After landing in PNS (unfortunate airport code) I set off late in the evening in my rented Toyota Corolla to journey across the dark, desolate stretch of I-10 to Tallahassee. And boy, do I mean desolate. Coming from the Midwest, I'm used to small towns every few miles or so just off the interstate. In the Florida panhandle it's just a wall of jungle on either side for miles and miles and miles. Very few other cars. Quite spooky.
Oh yeah, I forgot to mention Smalley came down from Alabama for the competition as well. He'd be joining me for another Crapitol mission. First thing we did the next morning was grab donuts of course.
After the donuts we found our way to the capitol complex in downtown Tallahassee. The 1845 Historic Capitol still stands in the shadow of the new building. We poked our heads in there first to check things out.
We grabbed a few self-guided tour brochures from the friendly staff at the information desk. The building was first constructed in 1845, but later altered and expanded in 1902. The exterior is highlighted by the red and white striped awnings on all the windows, a nod to the red stripes on the Florida state flag.
After a bit of wandering the old halls and Florida history exhibit, we departed the old capitol and made our way around some construction fencing to the new building. The 22-story skyscraper was completed in 1977. At 307 feet tall, it is the fifth-tallest of the state capitols (can you guess the top four?). The central skyscraper is flanked by two domed wings at its base, giving the entire structure a very obvious dick-and-balls appearance. Very apropos for our most phallic-shaped state.
After passing through security and getting my capitol passport stamped, we grabbed another self-guided tour brochure to plan our journey. I was really hoping for a guided tour from a stereotypical "Florida Man," but it was not to be. We took the elevator to the observation deck on the top floor.
And much like the Nebraska capitol, the view from the top is.... flat. Florida is in fact the flattest state, as well as the state with the lowest highest point, at just 345 feet above sea level.
Though the views were underwhelming, the top floor has a nice art gallery and reception area for all sorts of government functions. It also has a bathroom.
Once the mission was accomplished we set off to see the rest of the building. We took the elevator back down to see the chamber of the Senate and House of Representatives.
The two chambers flank the multi-story rotunda at the center of the building.
Though the late 1970's was not the greatest period for interior design, I found the Florida Capitol to be quite elegantly decorated inside. Very spare, yet classy.
Other highlights included a Lego model of the historic Florida Capitol, the inter-faith Heritage Chapel, and the Governor's office. The Governor was in a press conference in the building at the time, which is about as close as I've ever come to actually bumping into a Governor on any of my trips. Actually I take that back, I believe I passed by the Lieutenant Governor in New Mexico way back when.
Sadly, the famous dolphin fountain was bone dry, and fenced-off due to some sort of major grounds renovation. I was very much looking forward to seeing it, as it is very on-brand for Florida.
Having completed the main objective, we set off to meet Daniel for some delicious cajun food at Coosh's near the Florida State University campus. The shrimp and grits were superb. Then we swung by Doak S. Campbell Stadium for the hell of it.
Later that evening it was time to kickoff the Tallahassee Highland Games. Smalley and I joined Daniel at the VIP dinner, and I was ill-prepared for such an honor. I threw on my best t-shirt and tried to blend in with all the clan (Scottish clans) representatives in their full regalia. The North Florida Facial Hair Society was the honored clan of the entire festival, so we were escorted into the dining room with a full bagpipe procession. A truly unique experience in all my years of bearding.
The procession was repeated in even grander fashion the next day at the festival grounds, with a full pipe and drum band and all the clans in attendance. NFFHS marched into the fairgrounds to officially declare the games open. Having recently chopped off my big beard all the way down to the stache, I had planned to compete in the natural moustache category for the first time ever, but due to a last-minute dropout by several judges, Smalley and I were asked to fill in on the panel. So it was my great honor to serve as a judge, another first for my in all my years on the scene.
There were some excellent competitors, and judging was even more difficult than I had always imagined it to be. One guy even made a Whiskerina beard for his chicken.
The Highland Games were a very unique setting for a facial hair competition. I was unaware of the entire phenomenon. Apparently, all over Europe and North America representatives of the various Scottish clans come out to lure attendees into their tents where they ply them with Scotch. Whichever clan is deemed to have brought the best showing to the games is declared the winner. And then there are the actual games, which are almost exclusively events that involve throwing a heavy object either far or high. Truly fascinating. I had even haggis for the first time. And way too much Scotch (not for the first time).
The next morning I departed for the final leg of my trip: the beach. Just another few hours westward on that lonely jungle stretch of I-10 and a left turn towards the Gulf. On the recommendation of Daniel and his wife Leslie, I stopped briefly in Seaside, the town where they filmed The Truman Show. Had a delicious Blackened Mahi Reuben at Bud and Alley's on the waterfront before taking a long stroll on the beach, which is my favorite thing to do.
I then set off to check into my hotel in Destin, though there was no room ready yet when I arrived. So I headed to the beach once again to look for seashells. This is not a particularly good stretch of the Florida shore for seashells, sadly. But I thoroughly enjoyed the fine white sand that makes squeaking sounds under your feet, and the crowds in early February aren't at all overwhelming. I did end up finding a perfect small sand dollar the following morning, however.
That night was Super Bowl Sunday, so I went and grabbed myself a Publix Chicken Tender sub for supper and finally was able to check into my hotel. Even got some time in the hot tub before the big game started. And wouldn't you know, I was delighted as the Kansas City Chiefs got stomped with the whole world watching. Had quite enough of those fellows. Slept like a baby that night.
I had a late evening flight out of Pensacola the next day, so I headed to Fort Pickens, a nineteenth century military base at the very Western tip of Pensacola beach, that once guarded the entrance to the bay. My family had traveled to Pensacola when I was 9 or 10, and we took the ferry out to see this fort. I was way into Civil War stuff when I was young, and there were plenty of historical sites all over the South. Forts were a favorite of mine.
Fort Pickens sits inside the Gulf Islands National Seashore, and the beaches there are spectacular. Note to self: next time plan for more beach time here. There wasn't another soul within a mile of me on that beach. Just the sounds of the waves lapping against the sand. Majestical.
I would have spent more time at the beach, but I wanted to check out the National Naval Aviation Museum at the Naval Air Station. I drove for 45 minutes back across the bay, only for the guard to tell me that admission to the museum was already closed for the day, and additionally, Google had taken me to the wrong gate. Pro tip: if you want to go to the museum, you must use the West gate. We had visited the museum when I was a kid, and the aircraft carrier USS Forrestal was docked there at the time, which was very cool to see. Still, I wish I would have planned better to see the museum again.
It was time to depart the Sunshine State, so I grabbed one last Publix sub for supper, then dropped off my rental car back at PNS to catch my evening flight. A superb birthday/beard competition/beach vacation in February. 29 Crapitols now complete. Stay tuned to find out about Crapitol number 30.
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